When Butterflies Go Pale 

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November 28, 2024

I think this is anxiety.

The trembling in my hands, the gut-wrenching pit in my stomach—it’s there from the moment I wake up, and it doesn’t leave until I fall asleep. And honestly? Sometimes I wish I could just stay asleep, because it’s the only time I feel at peace.

All my life, I believed that mistakes and missteps are what make us human. That they’re normal. But lately, I don’t feel so normal. These little errors I’ve made, they haunt me. And even on days when nothing actually goes wrong, I still feel the same. Like I’m bracing myself for disaster—as if I’m waiting for the bad to happen, even when things are okay.

I don’t wish for negativity. I’m the kind of person who adores glitter and glitz, sunshine and rainbows, sprinkles and sparkle. But why does my heart feel so dull? Why are the butterflies in my stomach not dancing in color, but fluttering in pale shades of gray?

I believe in God. I love myself. I have a support system that listens, loves, and shows up for me.

So why does this void still sit inside me, silently demanding answers?

What am I missing?
What do I need to feel whole again?